I wish I could be brave. I wish I could tell the whole world about God and how amazing it is to have found God.
But I need to figure out why I feel like I have to share this with everyone.
I’m afraid. Terrified.
I’m really really scared of what will happen if I let go of the essence of us.
You and me.
All the emotions and memories,
songs and thoughts,
secrets and kisses,
truth and hurt,
attached to us.
What will happen?
Who will I be?
How will my story be told?
Will I forget about everything that makes my life so beautiful?
Won’t I loose myself?
Loose contact with the ground, end up in total chaos?
If I’m without you, without what we used to be, who am I?
Nobody.
Just like air, compact nothingness.
I love you. But I can’t have your heart.
And all the love in the world won’t put us together.
We’re meant not to be.
The pain. What would you and I be without it?
Nothing.
We’re a tragedy.
Two people who will love each other beyond the end of time.
Two people forever torn apart.
The pain. I wouldn’t want to live without it.
Without you.
You’re everything.
I want to find someone even better. If life took you away from me in the past, there has to be someone waiting for me in the future. Someone who won’t make me hurt.
but what if I won’t want that person, what if I’ll still want you?
The only reason it feels wrong is because you can’t understand it yet. But one day you will look back and say “I’m happy that all those things happened, or else I wouldn’t be where I am right now and I like it here”.
Have faith.
tonight I’m going out partying with my girlfriends. I’m totally psyched! I love to dance, to just.. live the rhythm. Feel it, live it, dance it. And laugh.
And forget everything else. Everything that ever was.
and last night I thought.. “how empty, not to have God in your life”. I don’t belong to any religion, I can’t say I even believe in any of them.. but I believe in God. I feel God.
I have 38 posts in queue and right now 42 sorted into a map of posts becoming queues. I’m not used to having these many posts waiting. Probably because I’m not used to blogging beauty like this. I find beauty in almost everything.
I was looking at old photos from my graduation. love it. I can really feel all those emotions, thoughts, all that happiness I had that day. Though it feels a bit different now. I feel even happier. I feel like.. wow. Amazed. That day was so so beautiful and it went by so very fast and I never thought I was going to cry but I did, I cried out of sheer joy. The music was pumping, everybody was jumping and screaming and oh.. euphoria.
And I realize.. I am a grown-up. I won’t ever be going back to those classmates, to that school. That last year was a great time of my life even if I didn’t realize it back then.
I feel a bit nostalgic, but the nostalgia only makes me feel even more hopeful about the future. If I could experience all that, and it ended, there must be even better things waiting in the future. Like, me moving to England. That will be such a fucking adventure and I’m totally psyched about it! :)
